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I thought I had it under control by avoiding absolutely everything that would trigger the attacks and anxiety.As my channel grew in size and new and very exciting things started happening, I became very aware of the fact I was going to be missing out on potentially life-changing opportunities if I carried on living my life in the same way and it bothered me. I was meeting a lot of new people who all appeared to have their shizz together and I became so aware of the behaviours I’d installed so deeply into my subconscious mind that I didn’t really know where to start. Some weeks I’d feel on top of the world, and other weeks I would be rocking back and fourth in tears on a train on my own on my way to London to film something.I always used to throw every unsteady emotion into an anxious state and now I’m able to distinguish the difference.I actually know what being nervous feels like now and I embrace it.I worked hard week by week to make changes in my behaviours and actions in order to undo all the work I’d done over 10 years to cement my anxiety.I learnt about it in a whole new way and I wanted more than anything for it to work.I hadn’t seen anyone else talking about their experiences with anxiety openly and although it scared me to do it I wanted to help others and to share my experience.
Over the past six months, I’ve seen the most improvement in my anxiety.
Suddenly the little things I never had to worry about, were big things and with my channel still growing, I knew these would need to be tackled head on.
Although I never made it aware how bad the bad moments were, around the end of 2014, they were particularly awful and I was done being “Zoella with anxiety”.
I’m very good at imagining every possible worst outcome of every single situation I live and breathe.
After exhausting all the worst outcomes, I soon realise that nothing is ever as bad as I imagine it to be and those fears and scenarios don’t seem to inject the same uneasy feelings as they once did.